Heffer and Filburt the News Reporters
by RoseGAL
Summary: This parody is off a sketch of the British children's show, Stupid. Heffer and Filburt report on different things. However, Heffer's parents don't like it one bit... Rated PG for bad attitude.
1. Traffic at School

Traffic at School

At O-town High School, the home-time bell rings. Virginia Wolfe (Heffer's mother) is waiting in the car.

"Filburt!" called Mrs. Wolfe. "Over here!"

Filburt gets into the car.

"What's the problem?" asked Mrs. Wolfe. "I wanna beat the traffic."

News music plays.

"Hello," Filburt greeted to the screen. "If you just joined us, we are getting reports on when school is over."

"We haven't got time for stupid news reports!" Mrs. Wolfe grumbled. "Where's Heffer?"

"Heffer's on the scene," replied Filburt. "We'll go and see him now."

Filburt turns the car window to Heffer.

"Heffer?" called Filburt.

"Thank you Filburt," said Heffer, speaking into the communication device. "There's scenes of chaos here. Chaos and jubilation. The students are, literally, leaving school in their droves while some are already calling 'academic term!'. I saw one boy cry with joy. And for falling over and grazing his knee.

"What did the headmaster have to say?" asked Filburt.

"He said 'An eye quote? It's over! Finished!'" answered Heffer. "'Write it in the book, shut the book, take the book back to the library, apologize for writing in the book 'cause school is over!' Then he just cried."

"Thanks Heffer!" called Filburt. "With me and your mom."

Filburt turns back to Mrs. Wolfe.

"Mrs. Wolfe," said Filburt. "Thanks for joining us!"

"Tell your friend to get in now or we'll be stuck in the queue for ages!" yelled Mrs Wolfe.

"You're in a different position now, are you not?" asked Filburt. "Last time, you didn't take us anywhere. Will there be a repeat of your shameful attitude or are you going to start loving us?"

"I'm working!" replied Mrs. Wolfe. "I'll give you some money and you can entertain yourselves."

"Well, there's one news reporter who robs your pockets deeper than your heart," said Filburt.

"Filburt, what a cruel thing to sa-- !" Mrs. Wolfe began.

"I'm going to have to stop you there, Mrs. Wolfe." called Filburt. "As it's time for… 'Trouble News with Heffer'.

The road is congested with traffic.

"Oh man," groaned Heffer. "It's gonna take ages to get home!"

"And who's fault is that?" asked Filburt. "Over to Mrs. Wolfe."

Mrs. Wolfe groans and puts her head down on the steering wheel, causing the horn to beep non-stop.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	2. Bingo & Chips

Bingo & Chips

Filburt is at the kitchen table at Heffer's house.

"Other news," Filburt said to the screen. "Mrs. Wolfe's bitter defending have proposed a night out at bingo tonight. Her critics went morally wrong when her son and his friend are expecting chips for supper. Our reporter, Heffer, is with her now. Heffer, can you here me?"

We cut to Mrs. Wolfe's bedroom where Mrs. Wolfe is getting ready while Heffer behind her, reporting.

"Hi Filburt," greeted Heffer on the communication device. "And yes. I'm here now. The stench of inexpensive perfume lies heavy on the air, like scum on a tramp."

"Hey, that was the tin from the bottle!" yelled Mrs. Wolfe. "Now get out! I'm trying to get ready!"

"Mom has been applying," Heffer continued. "But can only be described as voodoo wall paint. Perhaps she's an appeaser to gods, so she might be a winner at bingo."

"I've got a little bit of make-up on!" grumbled Mrs. Wolfe.

"Heffer," called Filburt. "Has Mrs. Wolfe made any comment on the big chip bates?"

"You can make your own chips!" Mrs. Wolfe called to Filburt from upstairs. "Or ask my husband!"

"I'm not making chips," grumbled Mr. Wolfe (Heffer's dad), walking into the kitchen. "Have cereal."

"I'm joined by Mr. Wolfe," said Filburt. "Mr. Wolfe, the question is, tonight, what about getting us some chips from the chip shop?"

"Can't be bothered," replied Mr. Wolfe.

"I'm going to have to stop you there, Mr. Wolfe," Filburt yelled. "As events are unfolding in Mrs. Wolfe's bedroom. Heffer?"

Back in the bedroom, Mrs. Wolfe is frantically looking for something.

"I'm quite literally been attached as we speak," replied Heffer. "The old woman has turned on me."

"It's in my handbag, so I can't go out!" shouted Mrs. Wolfe. "Where is it, Heffer?!"

"Her anger tribal," said Heffer. "This is a woman on the verge of hysteria."

"Oh, there's the bus!" yelled Mrs. Wolfe. "I missed the bus now!"

"Does this mean she'll be making us chips then?" asked Filburt.

"I shall put that very question to her now," replied Heffer. "Mom, will you be making us some chips?"

Mrs. Wolfe covers the camera. Back in the kitchen, Filburt doesn't hear the response.

"Hello?" answered Filburt. "Heffer?"

Still no response.

"I think we're experiencing a little picture there," said Filburt.

**TO BE CONTINUED… **


	3. The Fridge

The Fridge

In the kitchen, Filburt is sitting at the table. Mrs. Wolfe has just made him and Heffer dinner.

"Heffer, hurry up and sit down," said Mrs. Wolfe. "Your dinner's going to get cold."

Mrs. Wolfe puts Filburt and Heffer's plates onto the table.

"And for the people who are full sitting here," Filburt said to the screen. "This is dinner. This inedible mush and goo. It's heartbreaking to think that just feet away isn't abundant food. Nice food. It's held in reserve for the elders, known here as Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe. Heffer?"

Heffer is near the fridge.

"Thanks Filburt," Heffer spoke through the communicator. "You joined me here and what can only be described as 'Heck's Cooler'. Because of the young of this house, it is a fridge of torment and frustration."

"Is there any indication as to what parents are keeping from their young?" asked Filburt.

"Well, let's take a look," replied Heffer. He then opens the fridge. It has chocolate mousses, trifles and cream éclairs.

"I don't know whether you can see this, Filburt," said Heffer. "But this fridge is brimming with chocolate mousses, trifle and cream éclairs."

"Why are parents so cruel?" questioned Filburt. "Why don't they just give this food to their starving kids?"

"Greed, ignorance, cruelty," answered Heffer. "A number of things. They force their kids to eat that muck before they can have just the little taste of this bounds of deliciousness. But I for one am making a stand."

Heffer grabs an éclair and takes a bite. But then, Mrs. Wolfe catches him!

"Hey, get your greedy snout out of the fridge!!" shouted Mrs. Wolfe. She grabs Heffer who is struggling to squirm free.

"That's all for the news today and good night," said Filburt.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Bathroom & Caravans

Bathroom & Caravans

On O-town's highway, the traffic is all lining up and just sitting there. Filburt, Heffer and Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe are in the car, going on holiday but they are stuck in traffic.

"Hello," Filburt greeted to the screen. "If you just joined us, we're on the move. In fact, we're in a jam. A traffic sandwich served by Mrs. Wolfe."

"I thought it was a shortcut," moaned Mrs. Wolfe

"We're going to be stuck here for ages now," grumbled Mr. Wolfe.

"Anyway, let's get back to our main story," said Filburt. "Heffer, our roving reporter, is bursting for a pee. Heffer, can you hear me?"

"I can hear you, Filburt," responded Heffer in the communicator. "But the line is poor. As I was just loaded into the car, not an elbow by Dad, I asked him, 'Plead with me, let me go to the bathroom!'. His response was this."

Heffer gets out a sound recorder and presses play.

"No, you can't sucker!" Heffer's voice called from the sound recorder. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!!"

"Heffer, that's your voice!" yelled Mr. Wolfe. "I just heard you recording! I asked you if you've been and you said yes! I'm not stopping now!"

"Mrs. Wolfe," said Filburt. "Is there anything you'd like to add at this point?"

"If you really want to Heffer," Mrs. Wolfe suggested, "You could get out and go in front of all these people."

"Our captors will not negotiated with," replied Heffer. "They've threatened me with cruel and unusual punishments. Cause where we are heading is unclear."

"It's the caravan holiday park we go to every year," grumbled Mrs. Wolfe.

"These poor caravans are hired out at exorbitant rates," said Heffer. "The caravans, however, seem none of this money."

"Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe," called Filburt. "This exportation of innocent caravans have to stop. Do you not agree?"

"FAIR ENOUGH!!" shouted Mr. Wolfe. "As soon as we get out of this traffic, we'll turn around and go back! You can forget about the holiday!"

"NO!!" squealed Heffer.

"No, we're sorry!" cried Filburt.

"Please don't stop in the middle of the holiday!!" whined Heffer.

"No more stupid news reporting?" asked Mrs. Wolfe.

"Absolutely not!" replied Filburt.

"Good!" grumbled Mr. Wolfe.

Then, the unthinkable happens: Heffer breathes a sigh of relief, but not only because the holiday's not cancelled…

"We interrupt this programme for this newsflash," said Filburt. "Heffer peed himself."

Yes, that's right. Heffer went to the bathroom…right in the car! Thanks for the information, Filburt.

"HEFFER!!" Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe both screamed.

Heffer giggled and blushed with embarrassment.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


End file.
